dear Ms. Peirano,
My girlfriend and I have been subject to dispute. She squeezes me about my previous partner and I really want to know everything. Unfortunately, she has seen old photos, including bikini, were photos and Nude photos of a former girlfriend. She wanted to know in Detail how it went in bed with this woman, and what I’ve done with other women in bed and experienced. If I tell then something pierced, you and I have the feeling that no answer can make it right. When I say that it was not well with the Ex-girlfriend, she asks me, why we were together for so long, or why I was with her. When I say that it was good, she asks me why we broke up.
your Argument is that you would like to get to know me better. If we go to a Party, or in the district of a friend of mine meet, I once had something, she asks me intensely to the story.
I don’t feel very afflicted and knows how I can stop it. She has already made inquiries in the case of joint Known to the past and guides inside the call to the previous partners. Then they bombarded me with a thousand questions. Why I broke up. What went wrong. What have they done women wrong. As it was in the bed. What had the other woman for problems. What feelings I had for the woman.
I have been told several times that I am not breaking up when the stop. On the other hand, this is the only point of dispute we have. We have very good Sex, sometimes just after a quarrel. And I have very strong feelings for you. Therefore, I would also like to make sure that these disputes stop.
greetings,
Patrick R.
Dear Patrick, R.,
In many cultures and times, marry(te)n the people than young people and, above all, virginal. The family guarded(e) the Adolescent strictly so they could just collect before marriage, no sexual experience. So questionable, the procedure is also, it has preserved at least the people in front of it, with a sometimes quite extensive collection of predecessors, or predecessors to deal with.
The question for today is, where most of them have a long history, how much you want from prehistory to the partner’s knowledge and how much Knowledge you can absorb.
Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love
I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.
information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.
you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).
This varies greatly. There are no universally valid rules of the game, but is a kind of negotiation between the partners. What I want to tell, what I want to hear? What’s good for me, and what is not?
Some people accept it easily, that or the Dearest loved before even other people you had Sex with them, maybe to the same places traveled to or the same Restaurant visited, which was the first romantic evening. In some partnerships, it is rather amusing when the Partner tells sexual or intimate anecdotes about an Ex-Partner or Ex-partner (for example the cheeky “number” on the airplane toilet, the Threesome, the man has dared or the scene in which it was caught). Others, however, want to absolutely know no details, to protect yourself from Compare and unpleasant feelings.
For some couples, it is a Ritual, about an Ex-Partner upset, and to tell how difficult and terrible it was. This may not be ethically a little dishonest, but it conveys to the other a positive feeling With you, it is much better.
Some people want to know the relationship history of your partner, because the history makes the love map is visible. It desires and preferences are clear (he has always wanted more; she always wanted a Partner to look up to in you can. Or: He likes curvy blondes, you is actually on the dark-skinned musician.) This perhaps begs the question of how well it fits itself on these points and helps to Orient yourself.
J. Peirano: The secret Code of love I’m falling in love to fast and am always in need of
dangers or destructive relationship patterns in the history of reading. If he cheated on every woman at some point and with the Beloved in a new relationship has begun, it can happen to me also with him. Or what do I do if my girlfriend has lost at the latest after two years all sexual interest in your Partner?
In return, old patterns can also give security. When my 52-year-old Partner still has never fought doors popping, he will not have to start it with me probably. If my new girlfriend is, despite all the differences, financially and in terms of the children’s fair to her Ex-husband, she will treat me well in conflict situations more fair.
your partner has a very strong interest to read old tracks, and some out of it to read. What, is to me not clearly. Probably you would like to gain more security, she learns their relationship history. You may also hope more and more close, if she knows your past inside and out.
Unfortunately, the exact opposite is the case. Your partner is insecure and scared of the wide variety of information about your intimate past. You can’t follow, and instead of standing on their own unpleasant feelings, further asks you to compulsively.
That will not solve their insecurity, however, but the thing worse. In addition, you poisoned the relationship, because the questions and the conversations about the past are not consensual and enjoyable, but it prompts you to do so. The grip and disrespectful, because your boundaries are not respected. That is exactly why you turn away (understandably), and there is distance instead of closeness, rejection instead of a confirmation of their own importance.
I can imagine that through all the unwanted Inquisition criticized and exposed feel. You can’t change the past and rewrite. The critical and unsympathetic view of the fact helps you value is valued and understood to feel, but he puts them in the pillory. How could you do this? How could you feel this way?
I think that it is very important to say to your girlfriend a clear NO talks about past relationships and more on the issues involved. It is for the partnership extremely harmful, if the interrogations to go on. Maybe you can offer her to go to a couple therapy, so you can see what kind of Fears behind this questioning?
you can ask your partner prefer, what are your feelings now towards you, what you can do now, to give her security and closeness. You can offer her, maybe also to talk about other formative experiences from the past, for example, about the parents, the Childhood, friendships and choice of career. This gives even close, without jealousy.
greetings,
Julia Peirano
